dizzy, but not falling down
Words and thoughts swimming through my head, streaming through my veins like tiny little fish. Are they heading home? Out to sea? Maybe they’re just circling the dirty bowl of my mind?
I used to write here when this happened and it brought some rest, maybe even clarity, definitely a modicum of relief. But I haven’t written here for some time and it makes me sad. Not faded-blue-jean sad, not lost-a-loved-one sad, but a kind of curling in at the edges sad. Unnoticeable to the outside world, but quietly present for me.
When I started writing this blog I was on my back, in pain. It had been three months of fear and isolation. I had been physically ‘normal’ before and had never known what it was to not be able to do what I wanted to do with my body. I had never been so removed from the day to day hustle and bustle of life. I felt frightened and isolated. I hated London then, didn’t want to be here and longed to return to Canada; to family, friends and a familiar health care system. But I couldn’t sit, lift or walk, and therefore couldn’t fly. I felt trapped like a butterfly under glass, a pin through my center.
Things are so different today. Gratefully, thankfully I acknowledge this. I have had spinal surgery, I can sit and I can walk. I can live an almost-normal-life. I am studying to become a psychotherapist. I finally own my own flat. I have a job I like. I don’t hate living in London. And the other new thing is, I am single. My life feels novel, challenging, and exciting all at once.
So, this blog, and the writing of it…well, it causes me a lot of pause for thought, months of pause in fact. Most of the those who follow it are people I don’t know in the flesh (the fact that anyone follows it is amazing, but not the point of this particular diatribe). It’s wonderful to have followers, incredible in fact. However, some of my followers are friends, family and ex-lovers, people who know me in the flesh, and sometimes this poses a problem.
I want to write about my insides, the paths my mind and heart take, and sometimes the places I go may not be particularly easy for those who love or have loved me.
So, what to do? I have wrestled with the answer for some time now and I am no closer to clarity. I hear one of my friend’s word’s in my ears–she doesn’t understand why I need to write and make it pubic. Can’t I just write a journal?
I do write a journal, but it’s different, has a different quality and serves a different purpose. I think I write there when the swirling is so strong that there is no clarity, no picture in my mind, when I can’t see my feet or my hands for the storm. I write here at the next stage, this is expression, part of the process, not solution. Something about writing here and sending it out makes me feel like I am setting it free. When I write in my journal I close the cover and put it back on the shelf, it stays with me within the walls of my home. But this doesn’t.
Perhaps this is naive, because, in fact this continues to exist, in cyberspace. I have no control over who reads it and how it is understood. And yet, I yearn to write here. Not all the time, but at very particular moments; swirly moments, like today.
Alongside my friend’s voice asking me why I need to write here, I also hear my Dad’s.
I remember asking him, when I started this blog, to let extended family members know about it, that way I could avoid having to repeat my lack of progress over the phone. I found it difficult to tell loving, well-meaning and caring family members that things weren’t getting better, that I was becoming increasingly despondent and that, at times, I felt like there was no hope.
I started the blog because I needed to write about the messy raggedness of the situation in order to deal with it. I talked to my Dad about my fear of worrying people and the fact that I could not write about my life without outing myself as a lesbian. My family who know me, know I am a lesbian, but my extended family, family I’d never met before and who are close to my Dad, might not have known. I worried about how they might take it and whether they would blame or pity him, whether my selfish desire to write might inadvertently result in his suffering
When I expressed these concerns to my lovely Dad he told me to always be myself, not to worry, and never to hide or be ashamed. This meant the world to me and still does.
And so I am back to the question of what to write and whether to write at all. I worry about exposing my underbelly and confusion, particularly to people I know. Will they worry unnecessarily? Will they use it against me? Lord it over me? Hold me static assuming I am only what I have written, instead of understanding it as part of a process? Is this all too much to ask or expect from loved ones? Am I worrying unnecessarily? Perhaps making a mountain out of a mole hill?
I would really value knowing what you think? And, if you do think I should continue to write about my life as I am living and questioning it, do you have any wisdom on how to live with the exposure and vulnerability?
All thoughts welcome.